American Courts

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said , ‘Where am I, Cathy?’
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No , I just lie there.

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis , does it affect your memory at all?
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
WITNESS: We do..
WITNESS: Yes , voodoo.

ATTORNEY: Now doctor , isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep , he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He’s 20, much like your IQ.

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid.

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go to?

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

😯 I hope these brightened your day 😯

11 Responses to “American Courts”

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  1. Twitter ID:

    This clearly shows that both Attorney and Witness are nuts.. 😉

  2. Russ says:

    Twitter ID:

    I have sat in a court room and heard some weird shit. These are very funny. Never heard them.

  3. Dave D says:

    If I was dead at this time, I would still be laughing?

  4. bj says:

    If my brain isn’t sitting on someone’s desk, I would have died laughing … wait, I died last night and no one inform me?

    And yes,


  5. Comedy Plus says:

    Twitter ID:

    After having served as an deputy/sergeant/lieutenant in our Sheriff’s Department for 25 years I’ve spent a lot of time on the stand answering questions. Some were just as stupid. It’s a verbal game of Chess in my humble opinion. I just tried to play the game better than the attorney’s. Opposing counsel tries to make you angry and then go in for the kill. I never let them do that. After a bit they have your reputation down and it’s business as it should be.

    Have a terrific day. 🙂

  6. Colleen Dick says:

    Twitter ID:

    Oral. All my responses must be Oral. Oral. OK, heheh, Oral. Like Oral Roberts or what? Or Oral s…. wait, never mind. ORAL!

  7. My Sweetie Dark Chocolate says:

    As I was going through all of these, I was laughing so hard! Bwahahaha! These just didn’t brighten my day, Steve. You made it cool! 😀

    Zach (Fledgling Blogger) here. This is the link of my new blog. 🙂
    Just saying. 😉

  8. Don E. Chute says:

    Twitter ID:

    ATTORNEY: So tell me where did you learn about HVAC Engineering?
    WITNESS: The School of ‘Hard Knocks’.
    ATTORNEY: And where is that School located?

    (Angry looks from Jury to Attorney)

    Have a exceptional week-end!

  9. Twitter ID:

    There really is a lot of stupid lawyers out there. I don’t mind the witness being nuts because they aint getting paid 250 quid an hour!

    Just got to love: WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
    that is a classic answer.

  10. Lainy says:

    Duh! I didn’t know lawyers can be soooo dumb! Bwahahahahaha!

    Hey! My comments are supposed to be ORAL, LOL!

  11. Art of RetroCollage says:

    Twitter ID:

    I’ve seen “dumb witness” examples, but this is the first set of “stupid attorney” comments I’ve read. A great collection!