Because I’m a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will
fiddle with a coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in.
Calling NRMA is not an option… I WILL win.
Because I’m a man, when the car isn’t running very well,
I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what
I’m looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say
to the other, ‘I used to be able to fix these things, but now
with all these computers and everything, I wouldn’t know
where to start.’ We will then drink a couple of beers and
break wind, as a form of holy communion.
Because I’m a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone
to bring me soup and take care of me tenderly while I lie in bed
and moan. You’re a woman. You never get as sick as I do.
So, for you, this is no problem.
Because I’m a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic
groceries at the store, like beer, milk or bread. I cannot be
expected to find things like exotic cheeses or tofu. For all
I know, they are the same thing.
Because I’m a man, when one of our appliances stops
working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that
this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person
gets here and has to put it back together.
Because I’m a man, I must hold the television remote
control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been
misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it…. Though
one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator…..
Because I’m a man, there is no need to ask me what I’m
thinking about. The true answer is always either sex, cars,
sex, sports, or sex. I have to make up something else when
you ask, so don’t ask.
Because I’m a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or
have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she
calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever
you got her for Mother’s Day is okay; I don’t need to see it.
And don’t forget to pick up something for my mother, too.
Because I’m a man, you don’t have to ask me if I liked the
movie. Chances are, if you’re crying at the end of it, I didn’t.
And, if you’re feeling amorous afterwards, then I will certainly
remember the name and recommend it to others.
Because I’m a man, I think what you’re wearing is fine.
I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine,
too… either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it.
Everything looks fine.Your hair is fine.You look fine.
Can we just go now?
Because I’m a man, and this is, after all, the year 2011, I
will share equally in the housework.You just do the laundry,
the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes,
and I’ll do the rest…. like wandering around in the garden
with a beer in my hand, wondering what to do.