If I had a pound for every girl that found me unattractive, they’d eventually find me attractive.
I find it ironic that the colours red, white, and blue stand for freedom, until they’re flashing behind you.
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool, so I gave him a glass of water
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
I’m great at multi-tasking — I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
Take my advice — I’m not using it.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years; then we met.
Hospitality is the art of making guests feel like they’re at home when you wish they were.
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.