My postman keeps stopping by to tell me jokes. To be honest, his delivery is awful.
Boss: “This is the fifth time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?”
Me: “That it’s Friday?”
I applied for a job as a blacksmith recently. The chap asked: “Have you ever shoed a horse?”
I said: “No, but once I told a donkey to bugger off.”
I got sacked from my job at the fishing bait factory for causing trouble. It seems I opened a can of worms.
I had a terrible round of golf today. The only two good balls I hit were when I stepped on a rake in a bunker.
A man tried to sell me a coffin today. I told him that’s the last thing I need.
Just how hairy was the bloke who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
I’ve just pulled up on my driveway to see some thieving lowlife leg it and jump over my back fence. I think the prat was after my bike.
My wife must have put up a good fight though because she’s lost most of her clothes, is drenched in sweat and can hardly walk. 😯