A few jokes
Three nuns decided to quit so they went to the Mother Superior and said, “We don’t want to be nuns anymore, how do we quit?” The mother told them, “Do something unholy and come back here in 24 hours.” So the nuns left thinking, “What can I do that’s unholy?” The next day they went to the mother one at a time. The mother said to the first nun, “What unholy thing did you do?” and the nun said “I stole a kid’s bike.” The mother said, “I guess that will do, go drink some holy water. When the nun did she wasn’t a nun anymore and she left the convent. The second nun walked in and the mother said, “What unholy thing did you do?” The nun replied, “I slept with a married man!” The mother said, “Well, that’s sinning. Go drink holy water.” The third nun walked in and the mother said, “What unholy thing did you do?” The third nun said proudly, “I pissed in the holy water!”
The Wrong Way
As a senior citizen was driving down the motorway, his mobile phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him, “Herman, I just heard on the news that there”s a car going the wrong way on M1. Please be careful!” “It’s not just one car,” said Herman, “It’s hundreds of them!”
The Wrinkled Nightgown
A man and wife were celebrating their 50-year anniversary, so the man bought his wife a £153.27 see-through nightgown.Later that night she was getting ready for bed and realized the nightgown was still in the box downstairs. Walking naked through the house, she passed her husband who said, “My word, for £153.27 they could’ve at least ironed it!” 🙂
New Improved Lawnmowers
One day a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw a guy eating grass He told the driver to stop. He got out and asked him, “Why are you eating grass”.
The man replied, “I’m so poor, I can”t afford a thing to eat.”
So the layer said, “Poor guy, come back to my house.”
The guys then said, “But I have a wife and three kids.” The lawyer told him to bring them along.
When they were all in the car, the poor man said, “Thanks for taking us back to your house, it is so kind of you.”
The layer said, “You”re going to love it there, the grass is a foot tall.”
Man Walks Into a Lawyer’s Office…
A man walked into a lawyer’s office and inquired about the rates.
“Fifty dollars for three questions, ” replied the lawyer.
“Isn’t that awfully steep?” asked the man.
“Yes,” the lawyer replied, “and what was your third question?”
A man with a pegleg, hook hand and…
A man with a pegleg, hook hand and an eyepatch went to apply to be a pirate.
Interviewer: How did you get that pegleg?
Pirate: Arrr. I got me leg shot off during the first world war.
Interviewer: How did you get that hook?
Pirate: I got me hand cut off by a big knife.
Interviewer: What about your eyepatch?
Pirate: It was a rainy afternoon and I looked up into the sky and a bird crapped in me eye.
Interviewer: And that put your eye out?
Pirate: No, it was the day after I got me hook. 🙂
Vat Vas Dat Agin?
Helga was hanging the wash out to dry, and then went downtown to pick up some dry cleaning.
””””Gootness, iss hot,”””” she mused to herself as the sun beat down on her. She passed by a tavern and said, ””””Vy nought?”””” So she walked into the air conditioning and took a seat at the bar.
“Bartender,” she said. “I vill have unt cold beer, please.””””
The bartender asked, ””””Anheuser Busch?””””
””””Vell, fine, tanks,” she said, “Just unt leetle svetty.””””
Death Row in Women’s Prison
Three women are about to be executed. One”s a brunette, one”s a redhead, and one”s a blonde. The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, “Ready! Aim!”
Suddenly the brunette yells, “EARTHQUAKE!!!”
Everyone is startled and throws themselves on the ground while she escapes.
The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She say no, and the executioner shouts, “Ready! Aim!”
Suddenly the redhead yells, “TORNADO!!!”
Everyone is startled and looks around for cover while she escapes.
By now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings her forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, “Ready! Aim!”
And the blonde yells, “FIRE!!!”
Not feeling well
The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears,
And another and anotherAn Irishman goes to the Doctor with botty problems….
Dactor, it’s me ahrse. I’d loik ya at teyhk a look, if ya woot.
So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.
Incredible’he says, ‘there is a a £20 note lodged up here.
Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man’s bottom, and
Then a £10 note appears! This is amazing!’exclaims the Doctor.What do you want me to do?
Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man! ’shrieks the patient.
and another, etc…..
Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.
Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat’s moch batter. Just out of interest,
How moch was in dare den?’
The Doctor counts the pile of cash and says ‘£1,990 exactly
Ah, dat’d be roit,” says the Irishman
I knew I wasn’t feeling two grand. 🙂
Praying for the Lottery
One Sunday, Shane walks into a church and kneels down at the altar and begins to pray to God, stating that he owes many people money and asks to win the lottery. After he is done praying, he gets up and walks out.
The next Sunday he goes to the same church and pleads with God through his prayers to let him win the lottery so that he can pay these people back.
The next Sunday comes around and Shane enters the church very upset and close to tears, he kneels at the alter and asks why God is doing this to him and say’s that he has asked to win the lottery for three weeks now and nothing. Suddenly there came a loud bang of thunder and God spoke, “Shane, meet me halfway: Buy a damn ticket!” 🙂
Recruiting for a New Pope
Since Pope Benedict XVI is getting up in age the Vatican has started an early campaign to ”recruit” a successor. They have interviewed many applicants and after many months of interviewing they have narrowed the search to TWO final candidates: Bishop McLaughlin from Dublin Ireland and Bishop Sicola from New York. They are both very good candidates. The Vatican selection committee finally settled on Bishop Sicola. Though after much debate they changed their minds and said that Bishop Sicola would NOT be a good choice because it wouldn’t seem proper to address the new pontiff as ”pope-si-cola.”
What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
A Roamin’ Catholic.
The Homeless Couple and the Priest
This priest was driving to his church when he saw two people bending over in the grass. He decided to see why. He walked over to them and asked what they were doing. The man said they were homeless and grass was the only thing they could eat. The priest said, ”You can eat over at the church.” The woman said, ”We have nine children — will there be enough?” ”Oh yes, ” the priest replied, ”the grass is 2 1/2 inches taller over there.” 🙂
A Russian couple walks down
a street in Moscow when the man feels a drop hit his nose.
“I think it’s raining,” he says to his wife.
“No, that feels like snow to me, dear,” she replies.
Just then, a minor communist party official walks towards them.
“Let’s not fight about it,” the man says. “Let’s ask Comrade Rudolph whether it’s officially raining or snowing.”
“It’s raining, of course” Comrade Rudolph says and walks on.
But the woman insists, “I know that felt like snow.”
To which the man quietly says, “Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.”
When Mozart passed away, he
was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Mozart was buried.
Terrified, the drunk ran and got the town magistrate to come and listen to it.
When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, “Ah, yes, that’s Mozart’s Ninth Symphony, being played backwards.”
He listened a while longer, and said, “There’s the Eighth Symphony, and it’s backwards, too. Most puzzling.”
So the magistrate kept listening; “There’s the Seventh… the Sixth… the Fifth…”
Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, “My fellow citizens, there’s nothing to worry about. It’s just Mozart decomposing.”
The Seven Dwarfs were sitting
in a tub feeling happy, so Happy got up and left.
Discharged from hospital
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn’t need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. ‘I don’t know,’ he said. ‘She’s still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.’